Rev. Fr. (Dr.) Osmond Anike

Readings:

First Reading:: Ecclesiasticus 27:33-28:9 – Forgive your neighbour the hurt he does you; and when you pray, your sins will be forgiven.

Responsorial Psalm:Psalm 102(103):1-4, 9-12 – The Lord is compassion and love, slow to anger and rich in mercy.

Second Reading:Romans 14:7-9 – Alive or dead, we belong to the Lord.

Gospel:Matthew 18:21-35 – To be forgiven, you must forgive.

Last Sunday, we argued that in order to achieve a better result in our efforts toward reconciliation, the supposed roles of the offender and the offended must have to be reversed in such a way that it is the one who was offended who should start the process of reconciliation, and not the other way round as has been erroneously held for centuries. Today, we shall advance further in that line of argument bordering on the question of forgiveness. Reconciliation is hard to achieve because there is lack of forgiveness. If one has not forgiven the person who offended him/her, how can there be reconciliation? Forgiveness is a prelude to reconciliation; and reconciliation brings peace of mind. But perhaps, the reason why we are generally reluctant to forgive is that we see forgiveness as a privilege done to the “other person” – the offender. Because of this notion of forgiveness as a favour done to the offender, we then decide on our whims and caprices whether to extend that favour or privilege to the offender or not. In our inmost heart, we believe that the offender should be eternally grateful to us for forgiving them.

However, contrary to this belief, forgiveness is a duty done to oneself. When you forgive, the offender has nothing to gain; it is only you who gain. Similarly, when you refuse to forgive, the offender has absolutely nothing to lose; it is rather you who have everything to lose. Think of this for a moment! Forgiveness is not like a piece of cake given out to those we consider “lucky beneficiaries”. No. Forgiveness is like a heavy burden taken away from us so that we can be lighter and at peace with ourselves. When you refuse to forgive and continuously bear grudges against your “enemies”, you are heavy and overburdened; you suffer both physical and psychological trauma; you are restless each time you remember the person who offended you. Meanwhile, that person is blissfully unaware of the physical and emotional trauma you are experiencing. While you spend countless sleepless nights groaning on your bed, the person who offended you sleeps peacefully like a baby. In the end, who is suffering – you, or your offender? If you therefore, decide to offload your burden by forgiving the person, you see that it is not that person who gains but you. When the Book of Ecclesiasticus says in the first reading that “resentment and anger are foul things”, you can therefore understand what it means. And when Jesus was asked in the Gospel how often must we forgive our brother, he refused to subscribe to the traditional belief of “seven times”, but rather magnified it to “seventy-seven times” (other synoptic Gospels put it as “seventy times seven times” – meaning “infinity”). The point is, as often as you are offended, if you desire to have a peace of mind, you must forgive.

Both the Book of Ecclesiasticus in the first reading, and Jesus in the Gospel, link the forgiveness of God directly to our own willingness to forgive others. Forgiveness is also linked to the efficacy of our prayers. The main reason that our prayer lack in power is that we bear grudges and resentment within our hearts. In his book, Sadhana: A Way to God, Anthony de Mello says: “An unwillingness to forgive others for the real or imaginary wrongs they have done us is a poison that affects our health – physical, emotional and spiritual”. In another book of his titled, Contact with God: Retreat Conferences, he continues this discussion on the dangers of harbouring resentments. He says: “These sentiments of bitterness, hatred, rancour, poison our system and cause us suffering. And yet it is amazing to see how we cling to them. Sometimes we would rather part with any possession, no matter how precious, than with a grudge we are nursing against someone. We simply refuse to forgive. Jesus will have none of this. His teaching is unambiguous: If you do not forgive, I shall have nothing to do with you!”

How then do we forgive? Perhaps, it is better to understand how to go about forgiving by first stating what forgiveness is not:

(A) There is a story of two little boys who had an almighty row. At bedtime, their mother started pleading with the elder one to forgive the younger one even though the younger was at fault. Among other arguments, the mother said to the elder: “What is your brother dies tonight; you will forever live with the guilt of having never forgiven him”. He then advised him to go on and forgive his brother. This thought of the possibility of his brother dying that night appeared to have touched the elder brother, who then went to his younger brother’s room to forgive him. This was the forgiveness statement the mother heard: “John, I’ve come to forgive you in case you die tonight. But if you don’t die tonight, watch out because I’ll plaster you in the morning”.

(B) Another story is told of a deep-rooted running feud between the Kellys and the Murphys. No one seemed to know how it originated, but grievances real and imaginary were nurtured and passed on from one generation to another. When old man Kelly was dying and a priest pleaded with him to forgive the Murphys for fear of God’s judgment, this is what he told his five sons: “Well, sons, I’ve made my peace with God and I’ve forgiven the Murphys”. The sons were still processing this unusual act of forgiveness when he added: “But remember this: I’ll turn in my grave if ever one of you forgives them”.

Anthony de Mello suggested in his book, Contact with God, that the first step toward achieving forgiveness is by getting anger out of our system. How? We make a list of all the people whom we hate or hold a grudge against, or refuse to love or forgive. If this is not possible, then make a list of those you are negatively inclined to, or hold poor opinion of, or those you like less than others, or finally, those who hate you. You don’t start by jumping into forgiving them. The best thing to do is to go and talk it over with them and express your resentments and anger to them frankly. Where this direct approach is not possible, he suggests that you can express your feelings in fantasy and imagination, i.e., imagine that the person is there and tell him off. This will help get anger out of your system. A suppressed anger is very dangerous to the body.

When one might have gotten anger out of his system, the person can then proceed to the second stage which is that of forgiving through prayer by praying for the welfare of the people one dislikes. This, in fact, is what Jesus recommended. As you keep praying for them, your attitude towards them undergoes a mysterious change. You begin to care, to be positively inclined, even to love them.

His third suggestion is to see every injustice done to you as planed and controlled by God for some mysterious purposes. Here is a prayer found near the body of a dead youth in Ravensbruck concentration camp: “O Lord, remember not only the men and women of goodwill, but also those of ill-will. Do not remember all the sufferings they inflicted on us; remember the fruits we have borne thanks to this suffering – our comradeship, our loyalty, our humility, our courage, our generosity, our greatness of heart; and when they come to judgement, let all the fruits we have borne be their forgiveness”.

To recapitulate, we are doing ourselves a great deal of service if we forgive those who offend us. In the same vain, we are dangerously harming ourselves if we continue to harbour resentment and anger against our offenders. May God give us the wisdom to realize that forgiveness is primarily to our own benefit!